My husband laughs, but I am reading {and really enjoying} Eat, Pray, Love by Elizabeth Gilbert. Sometimes my eyes get hungry to read something beyond a blog or the OMG blurbs from Yahoo {yes, I know I probably shouldn’t have admitted that I read that section religiously}. I love having a fresh book to carry with me while I entertain the fantasy that I will get stuck somewhere where I can spontaneously read five chapters. It rarely happens. I actually hope that the salon will keep me waiting for a minute, my hearts sinks a little bit when they call me back right away. I love getting lost in the tales & wit of a good storyteller. I admire the stamina it must take to write an entire book.

Part of the reason I mention this is because I was a little dumbfounded when I read that there are actually travel agencies that offer an Eat, Pray, Love travel package. I just don’t understand the concept very well. While I am inspired, amused, and slightly jealous of Liz’s journey, I don’t feel it would be quite right to mimic her exact experiences in a tidy, convenient, one-stop-shop itinerary. I think it’s wonderful that her memoir has stirred an interest to visit new countries, but I feel like everyone is on a  personal journey. It’s up to us to imagine where our steps will take us, not to just follow blindly where someone else has already paved the way.
Maybe it’s just me, but I always loved the thrill of breaking my own path in fresh snow…

So it’s a little ironic & slightly embarrassing to admit that sometimes I see other photographers or business owners and want to take a one way ticket to “wherever they figured out how to do that.” Seriously. I got to see the first half of Jasmine Star’s Creative Live Broadcast last week and was so inspired by her marketing genius and personal accomplishments. I definitely had a twinge of jealousy {ok, more like “pathetic & blatant green eyed monster”} surface.

When we are watching {or reading about} others on a pedestal, it’s easy to forget the two legs that we are so fortunate to stand on.

Before I can fully reconcile these ideas, I am interrupted twice by a little guy who has stolen my heart this summer. Eight week old Damian usually sleeps well at night, but I wonder if he is waking up to put my thoughts in perspective. I am grateful to be a mama & a wife. I know that this means that what some people may accomplish in one year will take me three or four… or {deep breath} never. But I’ve made peace with that. I know that I can not be everyone’s photographer. I refuse to wear myself too thin or stretch myself in so many projects that I lose substance & originality. I want to create artwork that is a true reflection of my unique point of view & imagination. If I become generic, then I would rather stay home.
Because home, is a really good place to be. ♥

***It’s been great to take some time off for a “maternity leave,” but I’ve actually been quite busy. I’ve photographed four weddings before Damian was seven weeks old and made some very necessary upgrades to my website that will be published soon through Showit software… can’t wait!

The contractions started the evening of July 4th. They were mild, so we watched several episodes of “Last Comic Standing” On Demand until we both fell asleep. My husband lovingly put a gigantic fan in front of me so that I was able to rest in spite of the heat. The contractors had our dining & laundry room tore apart, so our air conditioning was not in service during the renovation. I woke up around four am and couldn’t go back to sleep. The contractions were stronger and steady. I tried to tough it out on my own, but it’s boring to be in labor alone in the wee hours of the morning. I knew that the sun would be coming and it would be a hot one. I resolved that I didn’t want to labor in my house without air conditioning. I woke Rocky up and explained that he needed to get some coffee. It was time to wake up. If there is one thing I’ve learned after {almost} six years of marriage… it is that Rocky is unable to talk or function until he has had at least one cup. Two would be optimal, but he must have at least have one. Trust me.

My memories of  getting ready to leave are all a sunny haze. I do remember attempting to make the bed & arrange the pillows in an orderly fashion. Our house was such a disaster construction site that I decided I must come home from the hospital to a clean bedroom. I had previously packed almost everything that I own, so after Rocky loaded it all into the Vue there was just enough room for the two of us to squeeze in. It’s always surreal for me to get in the car the last time before the baby is born. My brain tries to make the connection between the empty car seat and my gigantic tummy, but the two seem so strikingly unrelated.

I was a little nervous about sitting in the car for the contractions. To my relief, they slowed down during the half hour drive to base. It was Monday morning, but I guess a lot of people were still on vacation the morning after Independence Day. It was unusually peaceful along the highway. He drove carefully and I relaxed. When we got to Wright Patt, it was also a bit of a ghost town. Sometimes you can drive in circles for several minutes trying to find a parking spot at the hospital, but thankfully, it was vacant.

Before I could even get out of the car, I realized that my break was over. The contractions started coming strong & very close together.  I could barely walk between them. Rocky went ahead of me to grab me a wheelchair. It felt silly to sit in it, but it made my journey upstairs much easier. Only a few short weeks before, he had been sitting in one when I picked him up from surgery in the very same atrium. The irony of our positions being reversed was not lost on me as I braced myself for another contraction.

We finally made it to the triage area and after they had me lay down, the contractions slowed down again. I didn’t really mind. I rested & almost fell asleep. Since I was a four and wanted a natural birth, they recommended that I walk around the hospital for an hour. I liked being released from the annoying fetal monitors, but walking seemed ridiculous. That’s why I opted for the wheelchair, right?! I decided I would sulk in the lobby until my “time out” was over. SpongeBob was rambling nonsense from a large tv and it was hard to find my “zone.” Sitting was terribly uncomfortable. I was starting to feel like I was in a no win situation.
Emphasis on the not winning part.

Rock could tell I was struggling. He suggested we try to start walking.
It sounded like a terrible idea.

He promised we could go slow. He said he’d take me down the quietest hallways.
I studied him.

He was still wearing the black walking boot they’d upgraded him to after the cast. I joked that he looked like Iron Man in one leg, but wearing it was actually very taxing on him. He’d ice his foot regularly after work & regularly took advantage of his prescribed pain killers. Walking the scope of the hospital was probably the last thing he wanted to do too so newly recovering from tearing his Achilles tendon. But here he was, willing to take my hand & go with me. His eyes were sleepy but he had the same expression that I fell in love with seven years ago.

“What can I do to make you better? I will do anything to make you better. ”
His lips were silent but his eyes were pleading for me to give him the slightest direction so he could serve me.

I’ve trusted those big brown eyes for many years.
Through many zip codes.
Through many goodbyes.
Through many battles.

As I mustered up the energy to take my first step, a beautiful thing happened.

Piano music gently cascaded from my iPod to my ears.
As Regina Spektor started singing the lyrics to Samson, {one of my favorite songs of all time}, I took a glorious deep breath. It was just the coincidence I needed.
You know the moment in, The Grinch, where his heart grows three sizes larger?
Something to that effect happened to me.
We could get through one more battle.
Emphasis on the we.

*** That walk was a good idea… here we are about halfway through. Damian was born about two hours later with no complications {I will spare all of my future parent readers any further details pertaining to his arrival}. I wish I could be one of those glamorous new moms. The kind who wear make up & brush their hair… but I always get woken up in the middle of night to start labor. By the time I get to the hospital, I just don’t care how I look {obviously}. The “Labor Playlist” I made on my iPod was easily the best pain management tool I had during my labor… I listened to Samson about nine times on repeat. Happy weekend loves ♥

Damian Achilles Dozier

July 5, 2010 at 12:55 PM

9 lbs 7 oz

20 inches

We spent most of my pregnancy uncertain of what to name him. After Rocky’s surgery to repair his Achilles tendon, it was unanimous between the two of us to make his middle name Achilles. We each had a first name chosen, but Rock’s was much more fitting with that middle name. I love that his initials are D.A.D.

I had Damian at the  Wright Patterson Medical Center {where Rocky works}.  They’ve just finished remodeling the Family Birthing Center a few weeks before Damian was born. I was so impressed with my midwife & nurses. Everyone was so encouraging and kind, it was a very special experience. They also provided this beautiful baby blanket & knit hat {that I will keep forever}!

Rocky was supposed to be deployed to Kuwait right now, but his injury made him ineligible to go. Every time I smell his cologne on Damian, I’m reminded of how blessed we are to have him here to meet Damian right from the beginning. Seeing them together is pure euphoria for me.

Remind me, the next time I’m beating myself up about what I need to accomplish in life… that nothing could ever top bringing two incredible little men into the world.

Damian looks a lot like his four year old brother Kevin. Adding another son to our little family is like being taken back to the best time of your life and someone replaying the lovely memories all over again like a beautiful song…  and this time it’s even better because you have more partners to dance with.

Thank you for all the well wishes, support, and patience. I’ve taken my sweet time enjoying every moment ♥

All day I’ve been a little on edge, very distracted. I have been constantly asking myself why I am so disappointed that this little man hasn’t arrived yet. I should know from experience that it will be soon enough. Still, I find myself restless. Anxious. Grumpy. Impatient. READY.

Earlier this evening I was in the kitchen prepping eggplant parmesan for dinner and I happened to look up and saw Rock & Kevin in the backyard rearranging flowers. Something about seeing them together so content in the golden evening light instantly assured me that I have everything to be thankful for. Every time I see a beautiful moment between them, I just feel gratitude because it wasn’t “supposed” to happen. I ask myself why I have the audacity to say that this baby is “supposed” to be here, when really… there are aspects of our life that I can not take control of or credit for. Even if I wanted to.

All at once I felt relief and peace that I need to quit trying to micromanage fate.

It’s amazing what that little scene has done for my attitude, I hope that I can continue to be patient. Since there is very little time left in my pregnancy, I have been trying to reflect on some of the more positive aspects of the experience. Here are my top ten:

10. The excuse to eat what I want, when I want. Oh how I will miss this…

9. All the random smiles and well wishes from strangers {that mostly came before I started scaring people with my hugeness}.

8. The Expectant Mother parking space at the commissary & hospital {especially finding them open during a busy day}.

7. The nurses at my perinatal appointments, they’ve been really kind.

6. My weekly update about the baby inside me. It’s an e-mail I always look forward to.

5. Shopping for baby. I know I can shop after he’s born, but it’s so fun to imagine what he’ll look like. Part of the fun is just not knowing for sure & daydreaming about him while we’re out. Plus, newborn clothes are so tiny compared to the 5Ts that Kevin wears!

4. Blaming everything on pregnancy hormones.

3. Listening to Kevin talk about his baby “brudder.”  Soon he’ll start calling him by name or he’ll figure out how to say “brother” properly, but I love hearing his reaction to this process. He has toys and books set aside that he can’t wait to show the baby.

2. The baby kicking my camera when it’s around my neck. I felt like I had this little friend with me at weddings & shoots before some people knew I was pregnant. I didn’t carry a camera around my neck when I was pregnant with Kevin, so it was something unique to this little man. I will miss his movements, it’s just an amazing part of pregnancy!

1. Shaved Ice. I can’t say I really craved anything the first pregnancy. This time {among many other things}, I’m obsessed with ice! I bought this little manual snow cone maker from Target and I just wish I had done it sooner! Seriously. If it is always summer in Heaven, then I am convinced God will provide endless snow cones.  All of my beautiful pregnant friends- this is definitely the perfect accessory for your kitchen this summer! I love them plain, something about the melt in your mouth texture is the perfect cool down fix.  Occasionally I add Cotton Candy flavored syrup and it reminds me of pooling together enough change to walk up to the Sno Shak when we were kids. Speaking of, if you have kids, they will LOVE you for having one. ♥

If you had spoken to me at any point before the last four weeks, I would have probably gushed that pregnancy is wonderful. I love every moment. I could do this ten more times. Unfortunately, it seems that every inconvenient symptom has been saved for this final month… I find myself very eager to meet this baby boy in person!

I’ve compiled a top 10 List of reasons to be excited about labor coming {in no particular order}:

10. People will stop apologizing when they see me… and may even congratulate me! Waiting in the hallway of the hospital for Rock and Kevin the other day, a woman gave me a handshake and a hug saying she was just “so sorry” that I was that pregnant. I didn’t even know I looked so bad…I guess I emit “I’m miserable” rays at the moment!? {She’s not the only one who has done this}.

9. Less bathroom trips! I should have added an extra exclamation point. I’m entirely ready for my bladder to be normal again.

8. Getting out of bed comfortably. I’ve invented a roll that helps, but this is one of the most difficult things for me to do, {especially in the middle of the night when that bladder wakes me up}!

7. Losing the waddle. It just makes me feel like a hobbit.

6. I realize that not everyone who reads my blog is a mother or a woman. I will go ahead and reserve this space for all the things I ought not to post publicly… but what other mothers will understand!

5. The ability to bend over. I’m anxious for the day when I can put my pants on without giving myself a pep talk and taking a big deep breath…

4. Having my very own baby prop. I love you Kevin, but I didn’t have a clue how to photograph you as a newborn four years ago. I’m very excited about learning more about newborn photography and practicing with this little guy.

3. No more swelling! Summer temperatures + full term pregnancy = it’s a wonder any shoes fit. {Yes, I drink lots of water and put up my feet as Rocky tells me to… it’s just inevitable at certain times}!

2. I will figure out where our scale is. I get weighed at my appointments, but I’ve somehow “misplaced” the home scale. I think in the deep chambers of my memory I can remember a time when standing on it could be a pleasurable experience…

1. Finally meeting Kevin’s little brother! We’ve reserved a place in our hearts for you… we’re so ready for you to become a part of our family. It means the world to me to have your Dad at home and with us for the moment you arrive. I am going crazy waiting for you… I’m game for this when you are.

Rocky took some pictures of me a few days ago. I’m not joking when I say I’m huge, {but it’s all for a good cause}!

That wouldn’t have happened, I’m still very pregnant.

We had been bracing ourselves for the impact of his absence for months. After everything we did to get ready for this day, it’s hard to believe that he is at work as usual. There is no new laptop. Those uniforms will go to someone else. The plane left calmly without him.

He gets around a little slower with a wheelchair or crutches, but to me, he’s never looked better.

I’ll keep you posted when baby boy gets here… soon I hope! ♥

If there’s anything I’ve learned, in this journey I am on.
Simply truths will keep you going, simple love will keep you strong.
Cause there are questions without answers, and flames that never die.
Heartaches we go through are often blessings in disguise…

I never expected that such an ordinary day could change everything. Yesterday Rock was playing basketball at the base gym and someone {he had never met before} fell on him during a game, hurting his foot. After an initial ER visit we held our breath to see what they would decide to do about his condition.

Many tears later & my brain is still having a hard time computing the last phone conversation I had with my husband. He’s in surgery at the moment because of a ruptured achilles tendon and this means he will no longer be deploying next month. He will be able to meet our son when he is born.

Ever since we received the orders that he would deploy, I’ve been dealing with it and trying to get ready for life without him again. The last time Kevin was two and I had just graduated, so I devoted all my time to raising him alone. I knew that this time I would need to balance my photography business with a newborn and a four year old, so we began making a lot of changes that would help ease the process. Two of the biggest changes we made were finding homes for {our dogs} Delilah & Snowy and moving closer to family. We were both committed to making sure we did everything possible to prepare for the challenges of our situation. But in all honesty, getting ready for a deployment is difficult. You cope the best you can, knowing there are going to be so many things you must do alone when they are gone. We were in the stages where he would begin teaching me how to take care of things that he normally does. He gave instructions as they crossed his mind, “Don’t forget the car needs new tags this September…”

I visualized the next seven months a million times, it’s my way of adjusting to unpleasant circumstances. First there would a painful goodbye. Then, a short time later, I’d be checking into the hospital without him. I hoped we would be able to get word to him when it was time. He helped me labor through the night in Texas, but I promised myself I could do it on my own this time. I already felt the guilt of having the privilege to hold our newborn son, knowing he would not have that opportunity. He would miss the aroma of newborn lotion & the curiosity in his eyes as he would become acquainted with our world. I thought of Kevin, and worried that the separation would affect him much more significantly this time. As I received my weekly e-mails about the baby’s progress, I started to cringe as I saw how close I was to the end. I couldn’t make time stand still.

The most, and I mean, the most I even dreamed of asking for was that the baby would be born slightly early so that Rocky could hold him one time. Even if he had to miss the delivery, I just wanted him to be able to see him in person. I knew that it was almost impossible, so I didn’t count on it.
Now, through an odd, unexpected injury, he is going to be here for everything.

I see him slowly appearing in future mental photographs that he wasn’t supposed to be in… it’s surreal.

Kevin {three months} & Rocky ♥

We’ve been making a lot of changes to prepare for my husband’s upcoming deployment. The biggest one is that we’ve been boxing up our current house and moving {locally}. Well, we haven’t quite “moved in,” but that will come soon. There is some work to do on the new place, but we’re just tackling it a day at a time. Being very close to family will be a huge blessing with a newborn and very active four year old!

Another day I will probably reflect a little bit about what it’s like to brace yourself for a deployment while pregnancy hormones try to sabotage your sanity…  but for now I’m finding that the best medicine is to stay active. Talk to people {even when there’s not a lot to say}. Grab drinks at Sonic. Clean until it shines. Let it go when it’s not important. Hold him every chance you get. Speak openly about your fears. Stay fanatical about Lost {only three more hours left}. Sleep when you can. Work when insomnia doesn’t let you sleep. Take lots of pictures. There will never be enough, but they will mean everything when he’s gone. ♥

After absorbing Vania & Christine’s insightful presentation, {and of course asking questions freely}, we got our photography gear together and headed out to a private orchard to shoot a group session. Their location of choice is perfect. They have definitely inspired me to seek my own reliable “outdoor studio” here in Dayton.

The models, married couple Kristian & Skyler, were adorable! They were open to all suggestions and calmly posed in spite of having “18 shutters & 36 eyes all over them” as Vania explained in the recap of the workshop.

I love photographing just before sunset when so many gorgeous colors unapologetically flaunt their beauty:

Vania & Christine brought a mini trampoline and it was genius! Kristian was adventurous enough to do a few takes for us {in the amazing wedding gown} and this is probably one of my favorites from the day. She made flying look effortless:

I’m so glad they included a group session! I loved watching Simply Bloom work together and get a better understanding of how they direct their clients during a shoot. There is so much to learn by observing. At first I felt a little shy to “jump in,” but I find comfort holding my camera. It’s familiar. I forget that at this point it’s hard to put on shoes or bend over… There is an energy that compels me to capture everything that is playing so beautifully before my eyes. I have a hard time putting it down.

Thank you for sharing this experience with me as I revisit such a fantastic workshop! In the final part, I will share how they’ve impacted me personally at this “interesting” season in my life.

I have been anticipating the moment when I could reflect and share the goodness from an experience that will most certainly shape the rest of my photography career. I am obviously referring to the absolutely amazing Simply Bloom Workshop I attended last week in Huntsville, Alabama.

If you aren’t familiar with Christine & Vania’s work, then you must check out their portfolio and blog! Every time they post new material I am impressed by their unique vision, talent, and most of all, consistency. They draw out the beautiful essence of each and every lucky person that is captured with their cameras. Their style is romantic and their artwork truly inspires me. I was thrilled when they announced that their workshop would be held during a time when I could attend.

Simply Bloom Photography is relatively new to the wedding photography industry, but it’s not an accident that their partnership is light years beyond their two year experience. As they shared their story, it’s very clear Christine & Vania are passionate and committed to their work. They both graduated as graphic designers and evolved into photographers {one of the reasons I love them so much}. Their evolution was not by chance, they’ve mastered their craft on purpose. They have put a lot of time and research into how to remarkably push the envelope in their business and their images. It’s usually difficult for two artists to work together so fluidly, but there is an absence of competition or pride.  Watching them work and interact in perfect sync was enough to make us all wish that perhaps our best friends will be interested in forming a photography partnership someday…

I took some quick snapshots during our breaks, because the chapel was so adorable I couldn’t resist:

For some reason this pregnancy has me disliking cake {what once used to be one of my favorite desserts}. However, the peanut butter frosting from Gigi’s Cupcakes was pure addiction. I won’t lie, I’ve fantasized about having it again…

It was adorable how Christine used the trampoline for a little more height. Being 62 {and a half} inches myself, I can appreciate any and every little boost I can find!

Vania… she has one of the biggest smiles of anyone I’ve ever met!

The models were actually past wedding clients for Vania & Christine. They were fantastic & very patient with all of us scrambling to shoot them.

The workshop was a full day and intense. I don’t think I’ve scribbled so many notes since my Flash class {no kidding, seven large pages and I write terribly small}. Being eight months pregnant, I was a little nervous about the trip & whether I’d be able to keep up with everyone else. It was so incredible I almost forgot about my limitations until dinner. By the time our crème brûlée arrived, I could barely keep my eyes open. I can’t remember the last time a day has passed so quickly, but exhausted never felt so good!

Christine and Vania, thank you so much for all the work & preparation you put into such a lovely workshop. You made us all feel very welcome and shared so many valuable insights that I ponder over constantly. You deserve every honor and recognition that you have earned, you work so hard & produce amazing photographs. Thank you for inspiring me & teaching so much! ♥

{I will be posting my favorite shots from the styled session in the Part II Post from the Simply Bloom Workshop}.